Dear Infogasmic,
That Electronic Mermaid kit that you sold me was real piece of junk. I put her together exactly as the instructions you provided showed, but from the very beginning she didn't work properly at all.
To start with, the remote control didn't seem to have any affect on her in the least and she just did what she wanted all the time. She never told any jokes like it said that she would in your flyer, except for a couple, and her sense of humour was really dry, so I didn’t even know they were really jokes at all. She looked awfully wistful a lot of the time, and when she was happy, it seemed like she was just having a giggle at my expense. One time she even laughed out loud when I hit my head getting up beneath an open cupboard door in the kitchen.
She immediately figured out how to open latches, and would sail out the window at any old time, sometimes in the middle of the night. I would always find her swimming in the river, and when I asked her what she was doing, she always replied that she was "playing in the pollution". I thought that it said on the order form that she would be environmentally friendly.
Also she was always biting open any batteries that I had around, and she would take the batteries out of the TV remote and eat them too, and she even got the batteries out of the smoke alarm a couple of times... she said she could tell if there was a fire and she would be sure to tell me if there was one and I hadn’t noticed. She would just kind of tear the batteries apart with her teeth. The drops of fluid ruined my living room carpet, and I always had to get up to change the channel on my TV. Half the time she had disconnected it from the cable anyway, because she said she "liked the smell of the signal coming out of the wire".
Those coupons said she would be nice to my friends, but whenever my friends came around, she would just draw up either an icy cold or boiling hot bath and lock the door on the john for about four hours while she swam around in the tub. If any of them had to use the toilet she would just swear at them from behind the door, no matter how nicely they knocked. She always said they "just wanted to see her tits," even to my mom! Plus, she splashed water all over the place, and tore the soap dish out of the wall by trying make a drawbridge out of it and the door to the medicine cabinet.
Finally I really yelled at her because in one day she sucked all the freon out of the fridge, and also did something funny to the phone so that it sounds really distorted and this loud whistle comes up unless you keep talking. That night she disappeared, but this time out the back door, and I haven't been able to find her for two weeks. She probably swam to the Great Lakes, which she was always talking about doing. I’ll bet she’s in Lake Michigan or Lake Ontario by now, playing around under the ice without a thought in the world for me, blowing little bubbles into a gasoline slick somewhere.
Because of all this I am demanding a full refund of my $29.95 plus tax, as well as $1457.74 for various damages to my apartment. My friends tell me that you will say that my assembly of the kit leaves me liable, but I am counting on you to be decent about this, as the Electronic Mermaid was probably the most disappointing product I ever purchased in my entire life.
Sincerely,
Simon Lautherby.
30 Bassline St. Apt. 3, Nonondol, Canada.